There are times when I doubt my very own faculties. The reason why I doubt is because I find that the evidence for the claims of religions is lacking. And oftentimes there is evidence against religious claims. But that's just what I think. Maybe I am the fool from Proverbs who believes what he thinks is right in his own eyes. Maybe I can't recognize the evidence. Maybe I'm just not smart enough to know it was evidence even if it landed on my doorstep.
I also sometimes doubt my own doubts because if God exists and is the eminent mysterious entity that people claim him to be, who am I to have the gall to demand to understand? If human cognition simply isn't powerful enough to understand the ways of God then it would make sense that some faith would be needed in any case to follow him. Perhaps there is a reason in the ultimate mysterious wisdom of God for why the evidence is the way it is.
And who am I to go against 3000 years of Jewish history? For millennia Jews have believed, who am I to tell them they are wrong?
And sometimes I wonder if all this is even worth it. Why do I stress so much about such unknowns or unknowables? Simple faith is so calming. Doubt is not fun. And such doubt leads to so many potential problems. I need to lead this secret double life that no one who I love and care about can find out for fear that they will come to despise and reject me. And I don’t plan on ever leaving Jewish life, it’s a big part of who I am, so why are such ephemeral and intangible things like "beliefs" so important?
We only have a few years on Earth. I’m twenty years old and if I’m lucky I can probably expect to live until I’m 80. I’m already a quarter dead. Is it worth spending so much time on what is ultimately unprofitable and unrewarded work? Why is the "truth" ultimately valuable? Some have argued that given the choice they would prefer taking the blue pill and living in happiness, if I’d be happier not knowing, why should I keep looking for truth?