"if understand you correctly, you for your own reasons can't/don't want to believe that life/existance has meaning outside of the meaning we assign to it so you live in a framework that currently causes you the least amount of cognitive dissonance."
There are times when I desperately want to believe in a higher meaning in life. I come closest to this when I follow the line ofthought of a deterministic universe, which our universe fully appears to be, wherein my own free will is an illusion. But if our own wills are fake - what are _we_? What does it mean to be human or an individual? An utterly meaningless universe because even our own wills and reasons for living are not our own, but ones pushed upon us through causality.
So I affirm my free will even though the evidence is against it. I'm not sure I have free will and I admit that I could be wrong, but what kind of life can one lead if they believe that their own wills are not their own? Life is too short to think that way.
This doesn't mean the discussion is over though, but just that I won't lay down to determinism. I will struggle with it. And so I think that if I'm willing to make this concession to my own happiness, perhaps I can do the same for God.
I'm not against the typical theistic idea of God, I'm really not. I just don't think it's real. I think I might be willing to entertain a belief that there exists _something_ out there which is responsible for the universe, our own existence, how we ought to be even if we have no idea what that thing may be. But if this is God, I find that one cannot believe in it as it may be because it is unfathomable.
Positivism is very attractive because what you do believe is very likely to be true. But it's limiting because even things you cannot prove may very well be true as well. Maybe life is too short to be worrying about always being sure you're right about things.